Observer Online | Senior Focus

Posted Feb. 27, 2004

Life Stories Catch Up With All of Us

Several readers responded to last month's column on memoirs and life stories, including one who pointed out that those who don't write their own life story will eventually have it written for them. He suggested a look at the death notices in the daily newspaper. Who knew it would prove to be a revelation?

Death notices traditionally are placed by the funeral home in a simple format: notification and date of death, often an euphemistic "called home" or "passed over"; names of survivors, "adored," "devoted," or "loving"; profession or employment; affiliations with fraternal, civic, and religious organizations; and details of the funeral services and burial. Modifications of this style are still common, but that is changing.

But some obituaries are greatly expanded, and expensive, listings, which can become mini-biographies, including family history, genealogy, employment record, and personal details, such as favorite TV program (Discovery Channel) best bowling score (292), favorite food (strawberries), favorite beverage (ice tea on the summer porch).

Formerly gray columns bloom with pictures of young or handsome middle-aged people belying the ages listed. The number "45 great-grandchildren, 26 great-great grandchildren," and one "great-great-great granddaughter" give evidence of extreme longevity or early fertility. Fortunately not all of these great and great-great grandchildren are named in the listing.

Many family listings, however, are extensive, including siblings, children, stepchildren, step-grandchildren, half siblings, nieces, nephews, cousins, aunts and uncles, and full identification of all in-laws (formerly limited to a parenthetical first name). Children born outside of marriage may be included, with the name of the child's other parent, or not. New terminology emerges: a baby whose survivors include an "unborn sibling"; the woman with two children and two grandchildren who was "bonus mom" of three and "bonus grandmother" of five; and, most puzzling, the elderly man whose notice lists six "biological children" and 10 "surrogate" children."

Changes in lifestyles are reflected in naming of life partners or devoted companions. Adult children's same-sex partners are sometimes included. One man was listed as being survived by his wife and by a life-long female friend. Another is survived by three children, one grandchild, and his "fiancee of 18 years" and her children. One presumes those 18 years refer to duration, not age.

Most lists of survivors end with "and a host of other relatives and friends" although one wonders what distinguished "two special cousins," "special niece," "very special friend," "dearest lifelong friend," and whether the deceased made or would agree with these assessments.

The special category is not limited to humans or even to pets, but includes boats, "No Worries" and "Tangled Up in Blew," and even a favorite cabin and beachfront cottage. A "beloved husband" and father "will be missed by his faithful felines Ganbel and Huangdi"; another "beloved" husband also leaves his cat "Purple." A mother will be missed by her Chihuahua "Zoro" and a young man by his beloved dog Spanky.

Life stories can be sweetly sentimental, intriguing, or both. Wouldn't you like to have known the fellow whose hobbies were birdwatching, skateboarding, and creating jewelry. Or the "Harlem Princess" who married a Tuskegee Airman, went on to become the highest ranking woman in NASA in 1973, and served in diversity/human relations positions in D.C., Maryland, and national government. The Navy officer whose family appreciated his thousands of beautiful azaleas as well as his skillful stock investments. A career educator's friends knew of his music favorites Bob Dylan and Willie Nelson and that "he knew every word of every song that each wrote." A 92-year-old woman who died just two weeks after her husband of 65 years, was said to have "joined him for an everlasting game of bridge."

Accounts of employment history and professional accomplishments are so comprehensive it's easy to forget that the subject is not applying for a job in the hereafter. How else to account for such details as "at one time he was one of only two persons who had the most commemorative planks from ships they had assisted in commissioning." Another co-authored a book on "Biochemistry and Pharmacology of Ethanol" which was cited as "the best reference book on the subject I know." No doubt more readers will be impressed by one of many achievements of a former Air Force Colonel who over a period of 40 years got five holes-in-one at the Army-Navy Country Club.

Instead of gentle "family requests in lieu of flowers that contributions be made to a favorite charity" some requests read more like solicitations for donations to highly specialized groups, complete with detailed addresses, phone numbers, and websites. On the other hand, one suggests that in lieu of flowers "please say something nice to a military wife."

Memorial services are no longer limited to the traditional locales of church, funeral home, family home, or private club. Clubhouses, restaurants, and even sports bars are now considered appropriate. One man's notice suggested that wearing red "will brighten his day." A member of the Red Hat Society requested that her friends over 50 wear a red hat and purple outfit. It's no longer always necessary to go to the service to pay one's respects. Just sign on to an online guest book, either sponsored by the funeral home, or an independent one. Some next of kin provide their own email addresses for condolences.

In what may be a wave of the future, Lissa K. McLean, a woman with considerable achievements in women's rights, women's sports, women's history and the arts, requested that her funeral be a virtual event so that "the funds friends and family would spend honoring her life would instead be donated" to one of her special projects.